Just thoughts

Sometimes I wish that this legal thing with my son would just end one way or another. I know this is not right for a mother to say it makes me feel horrible that I even have these thoughts. I am so very tired of feeling it is my responsibility to put in his head what he needs to get done or that he has class, etc. I feel that my words fall on deaf ears. I talk and talk and talk until I am blue in the face so to speak. Here is one of my examples:

Sunday night I spoke with my son, he told me he would be home that night because he had a drug court class at 8am (which he needed me to take him to). I get up Monday morning and no son (really I am not shocked by this, a habit of his. I go about my business getting ready for work, expecting him to call me or show up before I leave to work so I can drop him off at class. I actually wait around a few (always trying to be there for him) and no son. I finally leave for work, and of course I can not let any situation go, so I call him. He answers and said he was heading for class, I start to get pissed and tell him that I waited around because our last conversation I was going to drop him off. (but of course his cell phone goes dead ending our conversation before I could get this out).... I actually saw him heading for our house in someone's car when I was leaving for work.

Later in the evening Monday, I told son how annoyed I was that he doesn't have any consideration for me, that he could of called letting me know he had it handled for his ride etc. I tried talking to him about him being out at night which always leads to a bad situation. Let me back track for a minute. Son and his girlfriend broke up about a 2 weeks ago. Son can not be alone, has a long line of girls. He is using these girls for rides and I am sure companionship. Talking to son, letting him know that jumping from someone he supposedly loved to these girls is not in his best interest. I am sure this all fell on deaf ears. He absolutely does WHAT he wants. And uses me when it is convenient for him otherwise I am thrown to the wind. When I question him about why and what he is doing he gets annoyed. Told me that he doesn't have to explain his actions to me. So I told him than I don't have to help him, meaning not reminding him of events or places he has to be at. Something to that affect. Of course it all ended in a fight.

My feelings are if he doesn't choose to stay home come home go to bed decent hour, in order to work and make classes. He doesn't make good descisions. Why does he have to have a girl to share his bed (or their bed) with every night. I am not getting it. I see a diaster waiting to happen. But me trying to get him to think a different way and think about his actions doesn't get heard.

So of course here we are Tuesday morning and again he said he would be home, to go to class in the morning. No son, (shocked I am not) well time for me to leave for work came and I left. And this morning I DID NOT call him to ask him if he was going to his 8am class nor has he called me to tell me he is fine and going to class. I just think this is so inconsiderate on his part. I do so much to help him and he can't even give me the courtesy of reassuring me everything is okay and he is making class.

This goes on every day, same inconsiderate behavior on his part. I put myself out to make sure he gets where and what needs to be done. And I am always an after thought or used when he needs me.

Yes he is 23 years old soon to be 24. He knows what the repercussions are if he doesn't attend class or take a drug test on his days. He has already had too due
community service assigned by his counselor and by the judge. He is well aware they are serious about these things. Next time he will have to do time spent in the local county jail, which could be up to 10 days. He knows all this. So I know I need to just let him deal with the repercussions, he never pays a price for anything he does wrong. Geez don't you think if you were facing all this, you would care more about your decisions. Probably doesn't sound like he is doing anything wrong with hanging with these girls but son is known to hang with strippers and not so nice girls, which means drinking. Which he is not supposed to do, and I think he is addict to alcohol.

Alright this is turning into a book, I told you to bare with me. More than likely I will have more to say later today. It does help me to stay off the phone with calling him, writing this all done. I know I have created the scenerio I am in and I have to break it.

Just babble...

Today is Tuesday and nothing tragic has happened, so it is a good day. I just never know when something is going to happen, I am always on edge waiting for the other shoe drop. Anyways enough of this subject for today.

Work is extremely busy but I really like it. I don't have a specific job that I can pin point but just a lot of this and that. But that is okay with me, I have my hands in a lot of pots which broadens my knowledge. Might even get the chance to travel to a few areas to check out inventory of slot machines. If that happens I am very excited, I am ready for this kind of change in my life.

Did I mention I need a money tree??? Any ideas???? My son (with our help) purchased a piercing business in 2005, he was not very good at controlling the money therefore has put it into some financial trouble. I have for the last year been trying to keep it afloat. But some days I just can't catch a break, it is always something, licenses due, jewelry to order, bills to pay, etc.... Never ends.

Like I said this is just some babble for the day, boring I know but sometimes boring is very acceptable in my life.

Rock Climbing

This post is actually about something fun in my life (I know shocker)... So anyways on with the story. Last weekend my sister asked me if I wanted to try indoor rock climbing, she offered to pay for our beginner lesson and the first month if we liked it. So the beginner class was last night, and it was alot of fun. I had years ago done some indoor climbing and liked it than also. But I have to say my triceps are barking tonight, wooo just a tad sore but a good sore. We also got a 3 times punch card, so that will be cool we can go 3 more times before we have to pay. So thats it for the fun post.

Off my chest...

I am really bugged today and of course it is because of my son, (surprise, surprise). I know I should let it go but dang it is all I can think of, it makes my heart race (which I am calling an anxiety attack). I have not heard from my son all day. This is probably no big deal to most but I usually talk to him daily. More to remind him of things to get done. Yes you are saying good lord the man is 23 years old why is mom reminding him of things. Well this is my point why I am driving myself completely crazy. I have done it for so long I am having a hard time stopping. Anyways back to today's issue. Have not heard from son all day and it is after 1pm where I am at. I want so bad to call him and ask if he took care of calling in to drug court, and I want to so bad to ask him if he is going to class tonight. But I am trying to let him take control of his own life. He is very lazy on simple things which is what gets him into alot of trouble. So I took it upon myself to keep him out of trouble and remind him of task to complete. It will be very very sad if he goes to prison because he was incapable of following through on the simplest of task like checking in to drug court, going to classes and contacting probation officers. But I can see this happening. However I am the end of my ropes with him. I have tried and tried and tried. I feel very used by him, he lies and uses me. Yes, he is a user and I have allowed this to happen. Can not explain the lying, but it is over the stupidest things, I don't get it. Bottom line is he makes his own decisions. As someone told me recently it is "free will".... I am absolutely sure son has not called me today because he doesn't need anything from me.

Well hopefully writing this down will keep me from grabbing my cell phone a little bit longer. I so DO NOT want to call. Maybe time for a little pill to help mommy....

New Year post

Well hello again.... This is the start of me writing on my blog (yeah for me).... So let me just start by saying the year is starting out good so far; good for me at this point is neither of my children went to jail last night. Last year was a very very long year, my nightmare began in May and has not gotten any easier. The stress on me has taken a toll, I finally broke down, went to my doctor talked about the anxiety and panic attacks I was going thru on a daily bases. I am feeling better now, I go back to the doctor tomorrow, she will check on how I am doing on the medicine. I don't feel any different but I believe it is a sutle fix. While driving to work I am having less and less panic attacks (which were happening for no reason that I could pin point all through out the day). I will be writing my feelings a lot especially the ordeal and how it has affected my life, families, etc. Maybe I will actually have something good to blog about in the days to come. Honestly I should give my daughter a lot of credit she doesn't get enough attention from us because I am so focused on her brother. Don't get me wrong my daughter knows how important she is to me, we talk daily and see each other almost daily but my energy is spent on my son, which is unfair to her. I am trying to work on myself as well and change these things. What I am trying to say which isn't coming out correctly is, my daughter wants me around and appreciates us as parents and people. My son doesn't seem to appreciate what we as parents have done for him especially over this last year (not that I want the thanks, what I want is for him to make correct decisions that keep him out of trouble). He is very selfish at this point in his life and it affects all of us. Daughter and I have a great relationship, I need to focus on this more. I let all my engery get wrapped in my son's issues, and this affects my daughter as well because she sees me upset and totally dislikes what her brother is doing to me. Well let me wrap this night up, I will get in the son situation in another blog otherwise this will turn into a huge rant of sorts, stay tuned.